Maintaining a long-term, loving, and satisfying sexual relationship is no easy feat. It requires attention and care. This newsletter delves into common pitfalls that disrupt loving connections.

Have you ever hesitated to try again because you felt like you couldn’t get it right? Or refrained from opening up to your partner because you felt unmet, unseen, or unheard?

These feelings often underlie a lack of desire or fulfillment in the bedroom, manifesting as contraction, fear, disempowerment, or defensiveness.

One approach Thomas and I have found helpful in navigating sexual difficulties is committing to no criticism in the bedroom. We prioritize building each other up and honoring the vulnerability required to express our seductive, playful, passionate selves in an intimate space.

Of course, this doesn’t mean ignoring discomfort or dislikes. It’s crucial to communicate desires and boundaries.

But how can we communicate in a way that doesn’t hinder our partner’s pleasure?

Many couples fear spoiling the mood by offering suggestions during sex. Our culture often perpetuates the belief that we should instinctively know what our partner wants. However, lovemaking is a collaborative act of co-creation, requiring open communication and flexibility to adapt to each moment’s nuances.

If you’ve never talked about your sex life, one way to begin is by discussing the experience afterward, sharing three things you enjoyed and asking your partner the same.

Approach feedback positively, focusing on what’s going well before suggesting adjustments. Instead of saying “I don’t like that,” offer guidance like, “I love that soft touch; now would you try stroking in a circular motion?”

Consider a case we’re currently working on: a man yearning to reconnect with his wife intimately after seven years of no more than hugs and kisses. Despite once having a satisfactory sex life, they drifted apart after having children. Now, he feels immense pressure, as any attempt at intimacy is met with criticism. How do you think this affects his desire for intimacy?

Similarly, another woman shared her experience of being pushed away and labeled “over-sexual” when initiating sex. Criticizing our partner’s desire can stifle passion and freedom, inhibiting pleasure.

Instead, let’s find something to affirm: “I love your desire; you look incredibly sexy right now. Unfortunately, I have a work meeting, so let’s plan for tomorrow.” Rather than making our partners wrong for their desires, celebrate them and suggest a better time.

Keep the flame alive with texts, notes, and flirting until you can be together.

You might believe that people should be able to handle criticism, but research by relationship expert John Gottman suggests otherwise. His findings indicate that the ratio of one negative remark to five positive comments and interactions predicts relationship happiness.

Have you ever noticed how, even in the absence of explicit criticism, we might perceive it in a pause, tone, or “that look?” We sometimes laugh at the absurdities of what we make up from our partner’s unsaid expressions. Ya gotta laugh.

Shame and self-judgment are often our worst enemies.

If we’re primed to expect criticism, we’ll find it, even in silence.

When we lead with love and acceptance, criticism has less bite for ourselves and for life.

As we navigate the complexities of intimacy, let’s remember the transformative power of love and understanding. By prioritizing open communication, celebrating desire, and fostering a supportive environment, we can cultivate deeper connections and enriching sexual experiences with our partners. Let’s embrace each moment with openness and compassion, knowing that in love, there is endless potential for growth and fulfillment.

Sending love,

Sara & Thomas (SatchiJo) Stout

Want to know a Super Hot Turn-On?
One of the hottest and most long-standing turn-ons – is being met.

The first time Thomas and I met each other, I felt that he was too intense. I lacked confidence and thought I would not stand up for what was important to me. Our balance was off.

The opposite, having a partner who was a pushover, was not satisfying either. Being with someone who was grounded in their truth and had enough backbone to stand up to me was a turn-on. 

With my growing confidence and force as a woman, I didn’t want to worry about overshadowing my partner or in any way, needing to stay small.

I wanted someone who could handle all of me, my crazy ideas, my full expression and passion, and expand and grow with me.

It wasn’t until five years after our original meeting, when our paths crossed again that I loved how Thomas “met me.” I could be big, strong, passionate, expressive, and he didn’t get small and crumble.

And, it’s hard to admit, but I appreciated that he didn’t put up with my shit, like when I was over-controlling (don’t tell him). Or when I undermined my potential.

He met me:
Emotionally:
• Lovingly supported me to express myself honestly, vulnerably, and accountably.
• When we began to sweat the small stuff, he’d lighten the mood. Or if I’d try to minimize something important, Thomas would kindly listen for the deeper truth.

Intellectually:
• Inspired new thoughts and continued personal growth.

Spirituality:
• Respectfully challenged me to believe in myself.
• Considered higher consciousness and the greater good.

Physically and sexually:
• Playfully wrestled with me, often ending in a passionate love fest.
• Sensitively moved us beyond mediocrity and kept us out of ruts.
• Reliably held me in his masculine power, allowing me to surrender into receptivity.

Being met balances power and surrender, yang and yin.

How do you like to be met?
Do you like slow, gentle caresses?
Or do you like to be ravished intensely and feel the strength of your lover?
And possibly a combination of softness and firmness turns you on.

Most of us need to feel met to feel passion. We want to feel our partner responds to our level of intensity and challenges us.

After 35 years together, I still love feeling the strength of Thomas’ body against me, his grip that matches my heat.

From Thomas’ side, he says,
“When I start to go down a rabbit hole, Sara listens to my struggle but doesn’t go down with me.

When we feel secure in our relationship, we have more intense play. She may not go skydiving with me, but she’s there as a support, watching and cheering me on.”

How are you meeting yourself?

Are you communicating your range of needs in your life?

How does nudity and appreciation for our bodies fit into spirituality? Our recent trip to Europe reminded us of the historical impact.

Most of us learned about the origin of man and sensuality from Adam and Eve, how they covered themselves with fig leaves from shame and were cast out of the Garden of Eden. That is not a body-positive initiation. 

The Greeks and Romans revered the human form and depicted sexuality and sensuality in their artwork. 

As Christianity reigned strong through the 1400s, religious influence dominated, hiding the human body. The artwork showed Virgin Mary, Jesus, and biblical themes veiled in cloaks and surrounded by gold. 

Then, the Renaissance welcomed the human form as a representation of spirit from above or in nature. Most artists still depicted the separateness of spirituality from the body. It wasn’t until Michelangelo focused on the naked body as real beauty, as divine. 

I had the great pleasure of experiencing Michelangelo’s spectacular sculptures in Florence. I see how his artistry captures the magnificence of how we are meant to feel about all bodies. 

While we may not have the physique of Michelangelo’s David, we all have sensuous curves, sleekness, soft and supple skin, and unique beauty and presence. Through love, divinity is alive within our individual form, life, vitality, and existence. As everything is spirit, we are ultimately perfect.

” The true work of art is but a shadow of the divine perfection.”
~ Michelangelo Buonarotti

At the David exhibit, if it were not for the barriers, there would be no holding people back from the urge to caress and enjoy the sensuousness of David. Sculpted in his casual and confident gesture, we can relate to his achievement of taking down Goliath. Don’t we all wish to overcome enormous oppressive difficulties?

Beauty radiates through alignment with intention. 

I wonder if part of David’s magnificence was that Michelangelo was no longer under the rule of the powerful Medici and was free to sculpt what he desired. 

When we taste freedom, our creative force is limitless. 

What is the Goliath in your life that you need to slay? 

What would support you in feeling empowered and free?

How are you embracing your body?

I may not have all the historical facts correct, but I allow my creative expression as I feel inspired. 

Freedom waits not for perfection; it allows inspiration as the ever-evolving act of creation. 

May you celebrate the beautiful creation of you and your divine body. 

PS 

The best part of the trip was that my son, Jared, got to join me in Florence and Venice, Italy, while Thomas was in a workshop in Berlin. Sharing what I love, art and travel, with him was very special. Our favorite times were sunsets on the tops of the bell towers and gelato. 

By Sara

Thomas and I were a bit giddy with anticipation for what we were calling our 10th Honeymoon, a getaway in the Czech Republic and the beautiful city of Prague.

Our tantalizing excitement died quickly when on the first day, Thomas got food poisoning and became more intimate with the porcelain bowl than with me. I ventured to art museums and toured the historical sites on my own. That is when I was awake and upright instead of horizontal and goofy-headed from jet lag.

After the food poisoning and sleepiness subsided, we individually began wrestling with old personal demons. We felt more like we were in service as emotional support animals than intimates. There is an art to standing beside our loved one when they are in pain and trying not to fix it. “I love you, and can you get over this so we can get on with getting it on?

Just as our desire for each other began to sync, our health sunk. Lots of aches, fatigue, congestion, coughing, and sweats. The diagnosis came as “Covid.” We had no interest in touch even though we were close together 24/7.

We isolated ourselves in a farmhouse outside of Prague. The symptoms were similar to mild flu, so we tried to get outside for fresh air when we had the energy. The colorful spring blossoms brightened our day.

We laughed about trying to maintain some minimal level of attraction and not get tired of too much of each other. It’s funny that when we’re camping, grisly facial hair growth and manly smells from an active day can be a turn-on for me. Reduced hygiene during sickness, not so much. I’m sure I was no Goddess of Delight.

My business coach told me this week that the time that you need positive thinking the most is running a business. I would argue that it is a long-term relationship. Focusing on the positive, what you love about your partner, is tested over and over.

Even if we were hot for each other, what is it about European beds that even when you’re given a luxurious king-sized bed, they give you two single duvet/comforters? Are they trying to maintain some degree of separation?

We can’t dive underneath the sheets together. First of all, there is no top sheet. And second, we have to manage our movements to not create a gap and have our knee, ass, or some other body part poke out and get cold.


At least we aren’t accusing each other of hogging all the covers. It becomes a game of cooperation with both of us trying to maintain enough overlap to stay warm and not too much to have two thick layers on us and overheat.

The silver lining that shone through during this non-erotic getaway was moments of emotional vulnerability. We so appreciated how each of us listened when the other was hurting. We paused to excavate our conversations during points of tension. I’m not sure that we cleared any deep abscess, but the attention we shared during the exploration was healing.

Ironically, even though we didn’t have our typical romantic time away, something was attractive and bonding about getting through this together.

Thank you beloved, for a not-so-sexy, loving time together!

From Sara

Harbin Hot Springs

Everyone needs a place like this.
A place where pressure to be busy and accomplish disappears.
A place where the mind quiets.
A place where words are not needed.
A place where everyone is welcomed with unity and respect.

For most of us, our surroundings are cluttered with projects just waiting to be attended. When we try to relax, the papers on the coffee table need attention, the dust bunnies are nipping at our heels, the unfinished projects ask to be completed, and the unanswered emails call. It’s as if once we have been active in a space, it holds active energy. The challenge is to override the intensity that’s alive in order to get to a deeper level of quiet.

Going on vacation is one way we try to get away from the noise of doing. “What did you do on your vacation?“ most people will ask. Even on Facebook, we post the sights we have seen, the food we’ve eaten and the many adventures we’ve taken. Rarely do you say, “I’ve had the most wonderful vacation, doing nothing.“ What if the greatest adventure is just being? Not doing anything, just being and having a place that facilitates that delicious state. 

Last week, I was able to return to my sweet spot. A place where I first learned the depth that can be experienced of profound letting go and inner peace. When I name this place (for those of you that it is familiar) notice your visceral reaction……..

Harbin Hot Springs. And specifically, the sacred waters of the warm meditation pool.

For 3 1/2 years, while recovering from the fire that destroyed it, I have longed to return. I anticipated this venture might invoke many responses and still I had a lovely surprise.

The surprise was not the blackened trees that lined the road up to Harbin. It wasn’t the tears of grief for the devastation of what made up it’s character, lush greenery, old lodging structures, and the Temple. The surprise wasn’t the joy of seeing life sprouting from the trunk of the big fig tree that had canopied the warm pool, nor the compassionate Quan Yin statue sitting serenely in it’s spot. My surprise came while blissfully meditating in the pool, one thing made it more sweet, Thomas. 

I nestled against his warm chest. With the body-neutral water already dissolving the edges of our skin, our bodies melted together. Without thought, our breath synchronized and the words came to me, “I have missed who we are, when we are here.”

The noise of our busy lives disappears in these waters and tension between us is replaced with a tinge of sensual excitement. We discovered a newness about each other here. We were initiated into the magic of SkyDancing Tantra at Harbin. For a moment, we returned to innocence, curious, love struck. What could be more lovely than calm, pleasurable excitement?

The waters of Harbin flow. 
The heart of Harbin beats.

Harbin’s a special place. So special, I feel it’s presence in my bones. Although it has changed due to the fire in 2015, each of us carry it’s essence alive within us. During moments of distress when I seek refuge, I visualize walking down the steps leading into the warmth of the meditation pool. Aaahhhh.

Until we soak in the waters again, Thomas and I find elements of deep connection by dropping into our state of being every week when we create our Tantric practice of Sacred Space.

~ Sara

Harbin Hot Springs Entrance

Establish a sacred place in your home or nature to visit for reflection, meditation and quiet. Savor these times, drinking them into your whole being. The real gift to yourself, is returning to your personal place of being. Return again and again, with mind, body and spirit, either visualizing how your body felt, the sensory details and emotions, or in person.

Somatic Sex Education

From Amanda Brown Testa’s Blog on New Sex Ed

Let’s face the facts.  For most of us, the sex education that we received in our formative years was lacking and sometimes entirely incorrect.  As a result, you may carry shame, judgment, or other feelings about yourself or your sexuality that impact your life.

This episode is all about breaking free of these feelings and embracing radical acceptance through somatic sex education.

In this podcast, Amanda Brown Testa talks with Anara Lani & Chris Muse, the founders of New School Sex Ed.  Anara and Chris are somatic sex educators who have directly experienced the pain and confusion of being brought up in a world where mixed messages about love, desire, and sex are the cultural norm. They’ve spent several years untangling and clarifying what true sexual health and empowerment feels like, and they are passionate about creating opportunities for individuals, couples, and groups to safely explore their own experiences to find self-acceptance and personal liberation. Anara and Chris believe that through compassion, guidance, self-reflection, and dedication, this kind of awakening is available for all of us.

IN THIS EPISODE, YOU’LL LEARN…

  • What led both Anara and Chris to become somatic sex educators.
  • What it means to truly feel freedom sexually.
  • How Chris & Anara are making up for the lack of sex education that most of us got when we were younger.
  • What somatic sex education is and how it’s different.
  • The difference between sex and sexuality.
  • How sex has more to do with connecting with yourself than most people realize.
  • The stories we make up about sex based on our early experiences.
  • What to do if you want to work with a sex coach but you feel uncomfortable or ashamed.
  • The importance of accepting any trauma or shame that may come up.
  • What it’s like to explore radical acceptance of our bodies and the freedom that comes from it.
  • How Anara and Chris went from thinking they were sexually empowered to realizing they actually weren’t and the work they did to feel truly empowered sexually.
  • The role of vulnerability in this work.
  • Why you might want to work with a sex coach or educator instead of just referring to a book.
  • That importance of presence and awareness in having a better sexual experience and tapping into your emotions.
  • What can happen when we focus too much on what “should” be happening.
  • What it means to authentically trust yourself.

Click here to listen to the full podcast:

SKYDANCING TANTRA/SARA AND THOMAS

You think you know about tantra? THINK AGAIN! Meet Sara and Thomas, SkyDancing Tantra enthusiasts and teachers. In this episode we chat about how they got into tantra, how it has changed their life, and how they hope to end the negative stigma associated with tantra by educating others and helping their participants live full and present lives.

Tantric traditions are extremely diverse so there is no single label that is universally accepted. One popular definition of tantric practice is “the systematic quest for salvation or for spiritual excellence by realizing and fostering the bipolar, bisexual divinity within one’s own body. Another definition I came across is “ a set of spiritual practices that direct the universal energies into the practitioner, thereby leading to liberation.”

The term “tantra” and the tantric traditions of Hinduism and Buddhism have been subjected to a great deal of misunderstanding over the years, and a relatively widespread association with sorcery and immoral sexuality. The word “tantra” came into use at a time when Buddhism, Jainism, and the various Vedic traditions we now call Hinduism were dominant in India. A core part of each of these religions were “sutras” or key texts. Perhaps the most famous sutra is the Kama Sutra, the book of love and erotic arts that, by the way, is completely unrelated to tantra. Etymologically, sutra has the literal meaning of ‘thread’. If a sutra is a single thread of thinking, a tantra is the whole system of thought. The literal meaning of the Sanskrit word tantra is ‘loom.’ It implies the interweaving of traditions and teachings as threads into a text, technique or practice.

Neotantra is the modern, western variation of tantra often associated with new religious movements or alternative spirituality. Many teachers of this version of tantra believe that sex and sexual experiences are sacred acts, which are capable of elevating their participants to a higher spiritual plane.They often talk about raising Kundalini energy, worshipping the divine feminine and the divine masculine, and activating the chakras. One of the pioneers and famous figures in neotantra is Osho.  He was the author of many books on meditation, taoism, buddhism, and mysticism, and at least six on tantra.

One of Osho’s students, Margot Anand, founded a school called “SkyDancing” tantra. According to Margot’s website, SkyDancing Tantra is a unique path that weaves together studies in many therapies: sexology, yoga, music, and metaphysics combined with work in human energy systems through the use of light, music, movement, visualization, and particularly the energy map of the chakras. SkyDancing Tantra also blends modern techniques such as psychology, bioenergetics, and neurolinguistic programming (NLP), with meditation, sacred rituals, and other practices. SkyDancing Tantra teaches you to choose with awareness what brings you pleasure and joy—which opens the door to a deeper connection with spirit and a greater sense of aliveness.

Check out this awesome podcast by Kelley B from In My Spare Time – a podcast about unconventional hobbies and the people behind them.

#3 – SKYDANCING TANTRA/SARA AND THOMAS

Posted on Oct 18, 2018.

 

How does SkyDancing Tantra celebrate and support you in expanding?

Where can you find respectful and loving connections in relationships?

I especially want to speak to those who identify as feminine, who long for touch and yet feel cautious.

These days we are aware of how many women have received unwanted touch. In my 20s, I worked at a sexual assault center, a battered women’s shelter, and have been committed to women’s rights ever since.  I came to realize how important it is for your body to be your own. It is my desire for women to have refuge from harm, where you can explore your physical and spiritual essence, your sexuality, and intimate relationships. 

This path has brought me to SkyDancing Tantra, which was founded by Margot Anand. Her teachings celebrate the power of women, where you give voice to your needs and desires, and help you feel honored and beautiful as the divine feminine.

 

Through SkyDancing Tantra, I have seen many women come alive and feel radiant.

See what is possible for you,
Sara

 

 

Last week, I was gifted with the amazing opportunity of coming together with women from all over the world as we experienced the healing teachings of Tantra Goddesses, Caroline Muir and Amrita Grace. After five years on sabbatical Caroline returned to teach Divine Feminine Awakenings with grace and enthusiasm. It was truly an honor to absorb her life’s passion for sexual vitality.

Like Caroline, it was through my journey into Tantra that I discovered my aliveness and felt supported in expressing my full femininity, which possesses both softness and strength. Tantra helped me embrace my vulnerabilities. I also came to understand my desires to be adored, to be served and (to both my and my husband’s surprise) to surrender. At the same time, I found that inner primal passion of Kali, ripping the clothes off my man and coming together with intense lust.

We all have both masculine and feminine qualities and energy within us. As women, we too often lose ourselves, mistaking our masculine power as feminine power. We attempt to cope with the harshness of the world by hardening ourselves. Often this causes us to become aggressive and controlling. We forget the feminine force within us, which is grounded, considerate, determined and–ultimately–more affirming. As women, we must strike a balance. It is good to be powerful and effective, but it is also important that, after the work is done, we retain the ability to soften, let go and be held.

As a teacher, I have promoted inclusivity of all genders. At the same time, I have had a few recent opportunities to dive deep with just women in particular. There is something undeniably special and beautiful about being in sisterhood – a real coming home and softening occurs. Likewise, I am sure that there is something meaningful in the brotherhood of men and the siblinghood that occurs between people of other genders. Being seen and supported by one’s own gender is soul affirming – a basic need. A true gift for any and all genders is to be held by their kin.

Another need is to be accepted. Unconditional acceptance comes after we fulfill a deep ache to be fully seen and heard in our rawness. I believe that is the impetus that drives this new “naked“ generation to share such personal musings on social media. They reach out and say: “This is me.” But are we as skilled at supporting each other when we are cracked open? Do we offer the depth of holding that says “I see you, I hear you, I am with you, and honor you”? Do any of us ever say “I hold you in your pain and I rejoice in your celebrations”?

At one point during the Divine Feminine retreat, I came to a sharing circle feeling restless, aware I had not gotten vulnerable and shared myself emotionally. I feared that I would leave this retreat having missed the opportunity for true meaningful connection with these amazing women. I longed to be with them, to be more of my full self and let them see the aspects of me that I am tired of keeping in the shadows. I wished to know more of each of them, but that was theirs to reveal.

I decided to facilitate my own exposure, to be with each of the women and share the recesses of my private life. I spoke of how I felt lonely and scared, and also about how I am learning to love myself and let more love in. I told of the qualities I have that I celebrate and the behaviors of which I feel ashamed. Progress was marked when I heard myself exclaim, “I love my body.” It wasn’t until later that my body retorted, “Then why do you still criticize me so much?” So far I’ve come and still so far to go.

In the end, I did feel seen, heard, held and celebrated.

I am thankful for the courage that Tantra has provided to me – the validation of my wholeness, by weaving together sometimes contradictory aspects into a harmonious sacred being, which we all are in our own ways.

Sara

WHAT A WOMAN NEEDS TO KNOW BEFORE BOOKING A TANTRIC MASSAGE

By Shashi Solluna

 

 

Tantric massage is becoming a big thing.

For men, the ubiquitous “happy ending massage” has been around in many societies for a long time, though mostly for relief of built-up sexual tension rather than any kind of tantric experience. So for men to go for a tantric massage is not a big leap of the imagination. It’s simply the next step.

But on the other hand… for a woman to go and receive a massage for her sexual pleasure from a therapist she doesn’t know is a pretty new concept in most places.

Yet it is taking off, and in tantric circles many people have learned some sort of tantric massage technique. It is now reasonably easy for a woman to book a tantric massage in areas where there is a lot of Tantra. In some countries it is legal and can be found in the bigger cities. And in a few places you can even find tantric spas with a full menu of delights (Germany and Czech Republic seem to be the leaders in this respect).

However, because this is a new trend, there is still a lack of understanding and information that can be really important for a woman to know.

Probably the biggest most important factor to understand is that there is a big difference between tantric massage for pleasure and tantric massage for therapy. This is a vital point to consider on ones quest to find a tantric massage.

Read more…..