Health

Have you ever had one of those moments where you thought, “Oh no, did I really just do that?”

I’ve had many, and – well, I had one of those this past weekend. It all started during a magical Tantra workshop Thomas and I were facilitating: Awakening Passion: Trust, Play & Love.

Everything was flowing beautifully—the students were connecting, exploring boundaries, and sharing heart-opening moments. We were on a roll! But then… I had a 30-second slap-in-the-face moment, and no, it wasn’t from Thomas.

Let me explain.

The 30-Second Slap

During our closing circle, everyone had limited time to share their final thoughts. Thomas, being the loving and supportive husband that he is, joked to the group that he’s learned never to time his wife. Everyone laughed, including me. He started speaking—acknowledging the courageous students and the very helpful assistants. Then, I felt it.

That familiar urge to nudge him along crept in. So, I did our secret “move it along” cue: I tapped his heel with my foot. You know, the subtle partner code.

But Thomas calmly said, “You don’t need to tap my heel,” and continued speaking.

It was like being slapped in the face with a truth bomb. How dare he call me out in front of the group?

I felt a wave of rage, immediately followed by embarrassment. Did they notice my face flush? This time, it wasn’t from his adoring words but from sheer discomfort.

Blame is a prison in which you no longer hold the keys to freedom.

The Real Slap: My Own Wake-Up Call

Then it hit me—harder than any slap ever could: I timed him. The very thing he had just joked about not doing to me, I did to him. The slap wasn’t from Thomas—it was from me; wake up, Sara!

I was rattled. Here I was, sitting in my own mess of emotions while Thomas continued singing my praises in front of the group. I could barely hear what he was saying because I felt so much shame and guilt.

And then, as if in slow motion, I started to soften. I saw in his face that even though I totally messed up, he still loved me. He wasn’t angry. He was still standing in his love. I could feel how much he cared, even if my foot tap had momentarily rattled us both.

Can I meet him in that place of love, instead of getting stuck in my own drama?

Based on my first reaction, I’m so glad I didn’t fire a dagger at Thomas. I’ve learned to contain my flash of anger, knowing there is something else under there.

I met him there, in that love, and did my best to let it in.

Looking back, I wish I’d had the presence to handle that moment differently.

What if I’d paused and apologized for stepping on his time? What if I had been more open and honest about what I was feeling?

That opportunity to apologize came later. We definitely needed to talk this through.

The Long Ride Home: Argument #17

Now, if you think we quickly made up, hugged, and were fine. Yes we hugged and — no. This is real life.

On our way home, we both felt the weight of a few unspoken tensions, those small moments that add up over time. It sounded like playing an old recording of Argument #17—the one about “feeling interrupted” and “you’re always telling me what to do.” We’ve been here before.

But this time, instead of just replaying our past arguments, we got curious. What was really under this? Why do these little things set us off?

When we take responsibility for our feelings, hurt, and shame, the path out gets clearer.

Underneath It All: What Was Helpful Isn’t Anymore

When we first started teaching together, I felt relief when Thomas chimed in to offer clarity if my guidance sounded confusing. Now, I feel like he interrupts me, taking it over as his.

Meanwhile, Thomas used to appreciate it when I planned our events and organized the schedule (can you see where this is going?). Now, he feels like I’m bossing him around or being critical. Fancy that!

We both had to admit—it’s a challenge, but we’re committed to trying to stop this pattern. We made peace with the fact that we’ll probably have Argument #17 again at some point, but hopefully, we’ll keep it shorter next time. And maybe we’ll get back to love just a little quicker.

Relationships are the crucible for growth. Often, my triggers trigger my partner. Thomas describes it well: “It’s an opportunity to alchemize a new pathway.” If only we could remember that when we were in the fire.

The Art of Returning to Love

Love is a practice, and unearthing love after a misunderstanding? That’s an art form. It takes trust, a sense of humor, and a whole lot of vulnerability. It takes recognizing that beneath the surface squabbles, we don’t mean to hurt each other, there is a foundation of love holding us. These moments are opportunities to grow closer.

In the end, all the little issues between us are nothing compared to the love we share. As the weekend workshop so beautifully emphasized, Awakening Passion is about trust, play, and love. And sometimes, it’s about messing up, owning it, and moving forward together.

We were interviewed by Shana James on the Man Alive podcast, where we discussed Tantra, and the incredible ways it can bring more aliveness, pleasure and intimacy to your life and love life.

The Man Alive podcast is a series of bold, raw and gritty conversations with experts on success, power, sex, love, and legacy. She works with men to find their unique power, confidence and clarity, so they stop settling in life and love.

Shana attended one of our Love Passionately weekend retreats and was excited to let more people know what we do.

In our featured episode we delve into:

  • What a Tantric dynamic is and what Tantra adds to relationships and one’s life
  • Conflict resolution and love making
  • How to create sacred space and use it for everything from decision making, confHow to make a NO as sexy as a YES
  • The anti-ecstatic conspiracy
  • Catching the stories and ideas we hold against each other in relationships
  • How to learn to receive more
You can listen to the interview on:
iTunes Spotify Google TuneIn  iHeart Radio 

We had the pleasure of being guests on the Super States: Practices of TRANCE-formation Podcast hosted by Joshua Peters.

In this episode, titled “Exploring Tantra for Personal Growth with Sara and Thomas Stout,” we delved into the transformative practices of Tantra and its profound potential for personal growth.

You can listen to the podcast episode here:

 

During our conversation with Joshua, we covered a range of topics that can offer valuable insights into Tantra and its benefits:

  • Understanding the essence of Tantra and its principles
  • Exploring SkyDancing Tantra and its unique approach
  • Discovering the three keys to ecstasy within Tantra
  • Unveiling the two fundamental tools of Tantra practice
  • Exploring how Tantra strengthens trust on multiple levels
  • Learning ways to initiate body-based practices for personal growth
  • Simple practices that invite more aliveness into your life
  • Exploring Tantra both individually and within the context of partnership
  • Guidance on determining if Tantra aligns with your personal journey

We believe this podcast episode serves as a valuable overview of Tantra for those curious about its potential.

What are you waiting for?

The right moment, a sign, a companion, enough money, free time, or to not feel nervous?

Waiting is one of the quickest paths to regret. 

During our recent conversation on our tandem bike (where we often appreciate our life and each other the most), I told Thomas that I feel no regrets with him. That is not an easy state to achieve together. It takes a lot of intention and coordination of multiple desires.

Of course, like any long-term relationship, there are still harsh tones and words I wish I hadn’t said or affections I wish I had expressed, but primarily, my hopes and dreams feel fulfilled. There are no looming unmet needs.

Living fully in the moment is an essential tool for a happy life. 

For many years, we could not have said we were living without regrets.

It was easier to focus on why I couldn’t do or have something rather than be living as much as possible. When I thought I was waiting for more money and more free time, what I was waiting for – was to trust life. I didn’t believe in abundance or that I deserved to receive what I wanted.

Tantra helped me listen to my desires and dreams and live in a state of trust and abundance. I could also access the feeling of joy and pleasure around me and within me throughout my day.

I wasn’t waiting for something outside myself to make me happy.

This week, as I recoat our wooden kitchen counter, I am struck by how much I enjoy the golden color and glistening grain. My fingers in the soil weeding the flower bed feels so nourishing. I pause and appreciate all the greens, yellows, and colorful leaves just budding.

We know it can feel like we’re waiting for our time to travel or do what we want when our children or work can be consuming. But even with a busy schedule, there are choices for fulfillment.

Thomas has been my best teacher for making time for pleasure. When we had little babies, I was up to my elbows in diapers and didn’t think I had time for myself, he persuaded me to take a night off each week to take an art class. Coming home happy and excited gave me energy for the rest of the week. And for him.

Having future dreams and intentions doesn’t mean you are waiting. It means focusing on what you have and trusting that joy will happen or can happen as it becomes more important than our current choices. Thomas wants to work less so he can bike and relax more. I’d love to have more time for writing and art.

Is it time to no longer wait?

Can the answer be Now?

I don’t want to get to the end of my life and not have lived. 

“The one that can not do something is not the real you.”

~ Margot Anand

 

Carpe diem ~ Seize the moment.

By Sara Stout

In most Tantra programs, there are opportunities for pleasure, fun, community, and personal growth.

What makes SkyDancing® Tantra stand out?

SkyDancing Tantra supports higher, conscious living from which a sense of freedom and full self-expression flourishes. Some Tantra schools have a reputation for wildness and hedonistic activities. Others are meditative and dismiss the body. SkyDancing supports the body and consciousness. Freedom without consciousness can lead to harmful choices. When one develops tools of awareness beyond the mind, they are less likely to compromise their boundaries but instead, stay on their truly aligned path and find their grounded freedom and ecstasy.

People love Margot Anand and her books. Margot is world-renowned author and teacher who brought Tantra to the west and has made it accessible to everyone through her step-by-step methods. It’s a gift to receive Margot’s transmissions through SkyDancing teachers.

SkyDancing Tantra is a well-established Institute, supporting students for over 32 years. It teaches ancient Tantric practices and incorporates modern-day cultural and psychological considerations.

People trust SkyDancing Tantra for its high ethical integrity. 
In the world of programs on sexuality and spirituality, it is tragic how many other institutes have received reports of abuse of power and sexual violations, SkyDancing Tantra Institutes are highly respected and trusted around the world. And the institute continues learning the most current trauma-informed practices and refines its policies as needed.

When people want maturity, they appreciate the depth of teaching and accessibility for all ages and diversity.

Spirituality is supported on this path of awakening.
SkyDancing Tantra invites individual expression of spirituality and holds reverence for all of life and human existence. Oneness is the basic principle and through awareness and vitality one awakens to wholeness and a non-separate sense of self.

All relationship configurations are supported. 
Whether wanting to dive deep into profound intimacy as a couple or explore the expansion of self, alone or with others, all are welcome.

Feel the quality of heart-centered presence with SkyDancing Tantra. It is possible to experience profound acceptance and love more than you imagine.

Teachers receive extensive training for over three years and maintain their ongoing personal practice.

There are many reasons why SkyDancing Tantra is recognized at one of the premier Tantra Institutes. If you have any questions about the Institute the program, we welcome curiosity.

Thomas and I were a bit giddy with anticipation for what we were calling our 10th Honeymoon, a getaway in the Czech Republic and the beautiful city of Prague.

Our tantalizing excitement died quickly when on the first day, Thomas got food poisoning and became more intimate with the porcelain bowl than with me. I ventured to art museums and toured the historical sites on my own. That is when I was awake and upright instead of horizontal and goofy-headed from jet lag.

After the food poisoning and sleepiness subsided, we individually began wrestling with old personal demons. We felt more like we were in service as emotional support animals than intimates. There is an art to standing beside our loved one when they are in pain and trying not to fix it. “I love you, and can you get over this so we can get on with getting it on?

Just as our desire for each other began to sync, our health sunk. Lots of aches, fatigue, congestion, coughing, and sweats. The diagnosis came as “Covid.” We had no interest in touch even though we were close together 24/7.

We isolated ourselves in a farmhouse outside of Prague. The symptoms were similar to mild flu, so we tried to get outside for fresh air when we had the energy. The colorful spring blossoms brightened our day.

We laughed about trying to maintain some minimal level of attraction and not get tired of too much of each other. It’s funny that when we’re camping, grisly facial hair growth and manly smells from an active day can be a turn-on for me. Reduced hygiene during sickness, not so much. I’m sure I was no Goddess of Delight.

My business coach told me this week that the time that you need positive thinking the most is running a business. I would argue that it is a long-term relationship. Focusing on the positive, what you love about your partner, is tested over and over.

Even if we were hot for each other, what is it about European beds that even when you’re given a luxurious king-sized bed, they give you two single duvet/comforters? Are they trying to maintain some degree of separation?

We can’t dive underneath the sheets together. First of all, there is no top sheet. And second, we have to manage our movements to not create a gap and have our knee, ass, or some other body part poke out and get cold.


At least we aren’t accusing each other of hogging all the covers. It becomes a game of cooperation with both of us trying to maintain enough overlap to stay warm and not too much to have two thick layers on us and overheat.

The silver lining that shone through during this non-erotic getaway was moments of emotional vulnerability. We so appreciated how each of us listened when the other was hurting. We paused to excavate our conversations during points of tension. I’m not sure that we cleared any deep abscess, but the attention we shared during the exploration was healing.

Ironically, even though we didn’t have our typical romantic time away, something was attractive and bonding about getting through this together.

Thank you beloved, for a not-so-sexy, loving time together!

From Sara

When I was 12 years old, I was innocently hanging out with my friends at school when I was told my Grandpa had suddenly died. I was devastated.

His was the first death I remember experiencing. Since I am the same age as he was when he died, I can’t help but consider how we are similar and yet different.

This wasn’t his first heart attack; he struggled with his weight had high blood pressure, and I remember my Grandmother getting mad with him for cheating on his low-sodium diet. Her frequent meals of fried chicken, potatoes and gravy, and her famous and mysteriously emptying cookie jar probably didn’t help.

I spent at least a week with Grandma and Grandpa every summer. It was a highlight to have time alone with them.

During the day when Grandpa was at work, I would help Grandma garden, pulling weeds, shucking peas, picking raspberries, and spitting watermelon seeds.

Every evening, I’d kiss my grandpa g-night, and grandma tucked me into bed in the extra room above the living room. I could hear the TV below play Lawrence Welk, and I’d receive my nightly torture from the smell of fresh popcorn wafting up through the vent.

The differences between Grandpa and me likely began very early in life. Grandpa was four when his father died. As the only male in the house, he started providing for his household early with his mom and grandma. He didn’t earn a high school education and never settled into a career, contributing to lifelong financial instability.

I was blessed to have both of my parents, who continue to be a big part of my life. They achieved Master’s degrees that pulled them out of family poverty over time.

My Grandpa’s greatest dream was to own a home, but he never did. Thomas and I happily paid off our mortgage last spring.

I didn’t understand why Grandpa would get so upset with me when I didn’t care for my shoes. He always wanted me to use a shoehorn for my nice Sunday shoes. It wasn’t until years later that I realized that even buying shoes for him was extravagant. He wore size 13, and I’m sure the few pairs of brown shoes he owned were costly.

If you knew my Grandpa, you’d know he loved to fish. Not once-in-a-while kinda fish but every vacation and spare moment kinda fish.

Many hours we’d sit in the boat, on the dock, or by the dam, and I was convinced his fishing magic would rub off on me. More often, it resulted in me just drowning worms. 🎣 I don’t know if he was a good fisherman, a lucky fisherman, or it was only in my eyes that I imagined him that way.

Maybe we were alike by the quietness of our day together.

There were more ways we were different.

My Grandpa didn’t go to yoga class, meditate, or do a loving Tantra practice with Grandma. “Exercise” was a word that didn’t cross his lips. And I never saw him join Grandma as she tried to keep up with Jack LaLanne.

He’d sit drinking his morning coffee, smoking his cigarettes, reading the newspaper, and complain about the news.

My mom and her sisters would say complaining was one of his pastimes. Maybe, that’s where my mom got her mantra, “Life is hard.” I still struggle with falling into that oppressive mindset instead of seeing the amazing life I’ve been given. More than ever, I can now see the magnificence of this world. I wonder if he ever noticed?

On March 10th, 1972, he joined his buddies on a Minnesota lake ice fishing, and he was happy. With the cold fresh air and the anticipation of what he could catch, he fell to the ice with his last words, “heart attack.” Grandpa died doing what he loved. I hope I am like him in that way.

For both of us, family is important. We love to laugh, be outdoors, and have big feet.

Grandpa brought me a lot of joy. I can still see his big smile, feel his comforting embrace, and I eat popcorn 🍿 most nights.

By Sara B

Live in a state of curiosity and courageousness, be open to inquiring.

These are inspirations from one of our favorite books, The Way of Liberation by Adyashanti. 

If we open our awareness to what IS, instead of what we wish it was or what we want to make it, we live in a state of completeness. There is no need, no longing for something different. A sense of fullness satisfies our hunger in each moment.  

Through opening to inquiry, we expand our sensory input and allow the richness of life to flow in. 

Recall the innocence and curiosity of childhood. You may have been mesmerized by a bug or playing in a mud puddle. The rest of the world disappears. Nothing else matters. There is no right and wrong, no success or failure.

Free yourself to find comfort in not knowing. “I don’t know.”

Our expectations confine us on a path of fulfillment or disappointment. And do we ever reach complete satisfaction?

Live in a state of curiosity without judgment, without qualifying bad or good.

If your mind hijacks your experiences, invite inquiry within oneself. Come back to listening through expansiveness instead of hyper-focusing on details. 

Expand your field of awareness as if you are listening for the origin of the most precious sounds. But beyond hearing, include all of your senses – and being. Here you will find openness. And fullness in your expansiveness.

Take in awe of the whole night sky.

To be happy is to live as the unknown. Adyashanti

 

Photo by Fermin Rodriguez Penelas

I was surprised; I didn’t expect a gift so early and so big.

My motivation for Christmas shopping has been low. In the last couple of years, we have opted for experiences rather than a lot of gifts, stuff we don’t need.

It’s been some of our favorite times as a family – in a cabin on the north shore, games, puzzles, making ornaments, ice skating, an escape room, X-C skiing, theatre, and dance performance, and family movies.

Since we cannot get together this year, we won’t be sharing a family experience.

This year has been eye-opening regarding how little we need to get by—food, toiletries, essential household items, including, of course, toilet paper. Even my wardrobe is simple since working from home. Nothing new and stylish, I prioritize comfort. Instead of “dress to impress,” it’s dress for coziness.

What more do I want and need?

It was a warm December night, I had been working at the computer all day, so I stepped outside. The freshness of the air made everything more vivid. Remnants of the summer garden were silhouetted in the moonlight. I love my yard and our house that we have crafted to make our own.
Our eldest son was in utero when we moved in. He just bought his own home 🏠 at the same time we are paying off ours. It’s exciting to see our boys exploring life, healthy, and seemingly less burdened by growing up than I did.

Taking stock of my life, I surprisingly thought, I have everything I want.

Wow, that’s a bold statement! I have everything I want! Besides our home, health, my family and husband is easy to love; I have been gifted with incredible career opportunities, especially lately with the SkyDancing Tantra Institute Directorship. We get to live our values of spreading love and choose many ways to care for the environment.

Really, I have everything I want? That can’t be true! I could feel my mind beginning to search for exceptions to “everything.” I spend a lot of time WANTING. Wanting a more organized house, wanting more time to do my writing, art, hang with my kids and friends, wanting the weeds out of my garden, wanting to travel, wanting the dog stains out of the carpet, and wanting a stress-free life.

But the clarity and completeness I felt didn’t account for those. There can always be MORE, BIGGER, NEWER, and BETTER. This moment was free from forward-thinking, to-do lists, incompleteness, and instead, I felt a lightness and satisfaction that I have actualized my dreams. My sense of fulfillment and recognition felt pure.

Such a gift to receive – realizing I have everything I want! And every time I try to recapture that moment, I laugh at myself; here I am, WANTING to feel it again, and wanting to share it with everyone! Even though we won’t be together for the holidays in the traditional way, nothing will ever take away what we have.

Wishing you peace these Holidays!
Love, Sara ~ and Thomas

 

(photo by Tim Mossholder, unsplash)

Harbin Hot Springs

Everyone needs a place like this.
A place where pressure to be busy and accomplish disappears.
A place where the mind quiets.
A place where words are not needed.
A place where everyone is welcomed with unity and respect.

For most of us, our surroundings are cluttered with projects just waiting to be attended. When we try to relax, the papers on the coffee table need attention, the dust bunnies are nipping at our heels, the unfinished projects ask to be completed, and the unanswered emails call. It’s as if once we have been active in a space, it holds active energy. The challenge is to override the intensity that’s alive in order to get to a deeper level of quiet.

Going on vacation is one way we try to get away from the noise of doing. “What did you do on your vacation?“ most people will ask. Even on Facebook, we post the sights we have seen, the food we’ve eaten and the many adventures we’ve taken. Rarely do you say, “I’ve had the most wonderful vacation, doing nothing.“ What if the greatest adventure is just being? Not doing anything, just being and having a place that facilitates that delicious state. 

Last week, I was able to return to my sweet spot. A place where I first learned the depth that can be experienced of profound letting go and inner peace. When I name this place (for those of you that it is familiar) notice your visceral reaction……..

Harbin Hot Springs. And specifically, the sacred waters of the warm meditation pool.

For 3 1/2 years, while recovering from the fire that destroyed it, I have longed to return. I anticipated this venture might invoke many responses and still I had a lovely surprise.

The surprise was not the blackened trees that lined the road up to Harbin. It wasn’t the tears of grief for the devastation of what made up it’s character, lush greenery, old lodging structures, and the Temple. The surprise wasn’t the joy of seeing life sprouting from the trunk of the big fig tree that had canopied the warm pool, nor the compassionate Quan Yin statue sitting serenely in it’s spot. My surprise came while blissfully meditating in the pool, one thing made it more sweet, Thomas. 

I nestled against his warm chest. With the body-neutral water already dissolving the edges of our skin, our bodies melted together. Without thought, our breath synchronized and the words came to me, “I have missed who we are, when we are here.”

The noise of our busy lives disappears in these waters and tension between us is replaced with a tinge of sensual excitement. We discovered a newness about each other here. We were initiated into the magic of SkyDancing Tantra at Harbin. For a moment, we returned to innocence, curious, love struck. What could be more lovely than calm, pleasurable excitement?

The waters of Harbin flow. 
The heart of Harbin beats.

Harbin’s a special place. So special, I feel it’s presence in my bones. Although it has changed due to the fire in 2015, each of us carry it’s essence alive within us. During moments of distress when I seek refuge, I visualize walking down the steps leading into the warmth of the meditation pool. Aaahhhh.

Until we soak in the waters again, Thomas and I find elements of deep connection by dropping into our state of being every week when we create our Tantric practice of Sacred Space.

~ Sara

Harbin Hot Springs Entrance

Establish a sacred place in your home or nature to visit for reflection, meditation and quiet. Savor these times, drinking them into your whole being. The real gift to yourself, is returning to your personal place of being. Return again and again, with mind, body and spirit, either visualizing how your body felt, the sensory details and emotions, or in person.