Maintaining a long-term, loving, and satisfying sexual relationship is no easy feat. It requires attention and care. This newsletter delves into common pitfalls that disrupt loving connections.
Have you ever hesitated to try again because you felt like you couldn’t get it right? Or refrained from opening up to your partner because you felt unmet, unseen, or unheard?
These feelings often underlie a lack of desire or fulfillment in the bedroom, manifesting as contraction, fear, disempowerment, or defensiveness.
One approach Thomas and I have found helpful in navigating sexual difficulties is committing to no criticism in the bedroom. We prioritize building each other up and honoring the vulnerability required to express our seductive, playful, passionate selves in an intimate space.
Of course, this doesn’t mean ignoring discomfort or dislikes. It’s crucial to communicate desires and boundaries.
But how can we communicate in a way that doesn’t hinder our partner’s pleasure?
Many couples fear spoiling the mood by offering suggestions during sex. Our culture often perpetuates the belief that we should instinctively know what our partner wants. However, lovemaking is a collaborative act of co-creation, requiring open communication and flexibility to adapt to each moment’s nuances.
If you’ve never talked about your sex life, one way to begin is by discussing the experience afterward, sharing three things you enjoyed and asking your partner the same.
Approach feedback positively, focusing on what’s going well before suggesting adjustments. Instead of saying “I don’t like that,” offer guidance like, “I love that soft touch; now would you try stroking in a circular motion?”
Consider a case we’re currently working on: a man yearning to reconnect with his wife intimately after seven years of no more than hugs and kisses. Despite once having a satisfactory sex life, they drifted apart after having children. Now, he feels immense pressure, as any attempt at intimacy is met with criticism. How do you think this affects his desire for intimacy?
Similarly, another woman shared her experience of being pushed away and labeled “over-sexual” when initiating sex. Criticizing our partner’s desire can stifle passion and freedom, inhibiting pleasure.
Instead, let’s find something to affirm: “I love your desire; you look incredibly sexy right now. Unfortunately, I have a work meeting, so let’s plan for tomorrow.” Rather than making our partners wrong for their desires, celebrate them and suggest a better time.
Keep the flame alive with texts, notes, and flirting until you can be together.
You might believe that people should be able to handle criticism, but research by relationship expert John Gottman suggests otherwise. His findings indicate that the ratio of one negative remark to five positive comments and interactions predicts relationship happiness.
Have you ever noticed how, even in the absence of explicit criticism, we might perceive it in a pause, tone, or “that look?” We sometimes laugh at the absurdities of what we make up from our partner’s unsaid expressions. Ya gotta laugh.
Shame and self-judgment are often our worst enemies.
If we’re primed to expect criticism, we’ll find it, even in silence.
When we lead with love and acceptance, criticism has less bite for ourselves and for life.
As we navigate the complexities of intimacy, let’s remember the transformative power of love and understanding. By prioritizing open communication, celebrating desire, and fostering a supportive environment, we can cultivate deeper connections and enriching sexual experiences with our partners. Let’s embrace each moment with openness and compassion, knowing that in love, there is endless potential for growth and fulfillment.
Sending love,
Sara & Thomas (SatchiJo) Stout
It wasn’t until five years after our original meeting, when our paths crossed again that I loved how Thomas “met me.” I could be big, strong, passionate, expressive, and he didn’t get small and crumble.
