Meditation

I look forward to going to my brother’s cabin for our annual family gathering. After seeing clients in the morning, I packed the car to head out. In support of my husband’s biking wishes, he’d left hours before.

The plan was that Thomas would bike 60 miles and then we would switch. He would drive the last 30 and I would bike. I was looking forward to the bike ride and physically moving my body since I sit indoors for my work all week. The car ride started feeling long and then I got stuck in the Minnesota Friday-going-to-the-cabin traffic. I sat at the Stillwater bridge for 20 minutes.

Text messages from Thomas started coming through. He was feeling pretty good and considering that he might be able to bike all the way. What he didn’t tell me at the time was, of course he wouldn’t bike beyond what we had agreed because he was going to support me biking too. The next message was that he was in Amery, Wisconsin. That’s getting pretty close to the cabin. “When’s my turn?,” I wondered.  This is the first year I’ve even gotten the option of biking. He usually rides the whole distance and I load up the kids, the stuff and meet them at the cabin.

Remember now, my mantra is that I’m not going to work so hard. I made easier meals, I got some help loading the car, and I was also going to bike. A 30 mile bike ride may sound like work to many people but for me it’s rejuvenating to be outside in nature exercising.

Finally, we worked it out and in Amery I got on my bike with about 25 miles to go to the cabin. The funk I’ve been in for the last few hours faded quickly as I started pedaling, feeling my own power and the wind flowing by. “Responsible for nobody else, nothing else and with whatever I wanted to do,” I thought.

Thomas drove back a couple times to help me find shortcuts and avoid dirt roads. Then I was on my own, weaving through the back country roads, heading towards Cumberland.

Laying on the side of the road was a beautiful bald eagle. Wings spread out, feathers intact and fairly recently dead. I got off my bike and automatically put my hands in the namaste position, honoring this incredibly majestic bird. Feeling sad for it’s death and yet grateful for it’s presence here on my trek.  I wanted to take a few of the feathers to hang on my wall but had no way to carry them carefully on my bike. I vowed to come back later.

My creative mind began to work and I imagined hanging some feathers in a dreamcatcher on my bedroom wall. About 10 miles down the road I found a beautiful snapping turtle shell. It was about 12 inches in diameter and had been cleaned out by insects. Only the shell and the bones were remaining. I quickly added this to my creative ideas and picked up the shell wanting it to be part of my dreamcatcher. Unfortunately, it became more of a windcatcher. As I was going down a big hill, it caught the wind and part of it cracked off. I desperately hung onto it wanting to preserve what I could. Biking with one hand, holding a large turtle shell, is not easy. About 5 miles later I started up a big incline. It was too much work. I couldn’t hold it and bike. I couldn’t carry the additional stress of trying to preserve this crumbling shell. Was I really going to make something with it or was it going to be additional clutter in my home waiting for attention? The excitement of finding it had turned to a burden. In a rush of relief, I threw it like a Frisbee out into the woods, screaming and then sobbing, “Set it free, set it free, set it free, set it free!”

I cried for the eagle, I cried for the snapping turtle, I cried for my client who recently overdosed on drugs, and I cried for myself –  I so desperately want to be set free. Free from living as only a shell of who I know I can be. I want my inner fire to burn. I want my light to shine! The image that I had seen during one of my meditations became clear: inside my shell there’s a fiery layer of passion and intensity. Inside that, a center of spiritual light and calmness. During that meditation I had felt something I never had experienced, a sense of complete peacefulness. If I live a mindful Tantra path, I can live my life fully! Completely! Consistently!

Crying and releasing layers of emotion as I biked. Feeling the fire and power within me surge and grow with confidence. The subtle ways in which I adapt myself to situations exhaust me. I want to live authentically and be who I am meant to be –  proudly. I need to work less hard on pleasing others. I need to feel less responsible for others. To set myself free!

Then Thomas started texting me, “Where are you?!” I had been weaving myself through the country roads taking a circuitous route and the sun was beginning to set. I had mixed feelings about being rescued from my long bike ride with the car.  I was enjoying the time to myself, feeling emotionally raw and was hoping to bike all the way to the cabin. Yet, I had already biked over 30 miles and biking was beginning to feel like work, so I was ready to be supported.

Thomas got out of the car to help me load the bike. He was irritated and saying in a loud voice, “I am so frustrated…  ”  I didn’t hear it. It didn’t sound supportive to me so I lashed out and screamed at him. I’m not even sure what I said but the main message was: ” I’m not responsible for your frustration, your feelings or anybody anymore!” Who was I really trying to convince? I’m sure he didn’t hear my words either, just my fury.

That’s one way to have the shell come off. It’s not always so attractive underneath when I’m authentic. Quickly, I realized I’d gotten to the raw fire but not the center of peacefulness. He didn’t deserve my rage and I apologized. Thomas had been trying so hard to support me on this bike trip that when it didn’t work as he had anticipated, he got frustrated. He thought we were going to meet at one intersection and I didn’t show up. Funny how I thought we had agreed on something else. After 23 years of marriage, again we vowed that next time we’d have clearer communication.

At the cabin I was more my true self. Engaging personally with people, touching in tender and caring ways, and willing to tell some of my raw stories. I let the shell fall away, beginning to honor the fiery inside and the center calmness.

Clearly something needs to change, I told myself. I had a dream about blood and mucus dripping from me and I was trying to clean it off my shoes realizing, “I need to work less.” The amount of hours I work and the responsibility I feel is killing me. I find myself thinking, I wouldn’t be surprised if I had a heart attack.

Something has to change. But what??  I have tried to figure this out for a few years. I feel trapped in a job that provides the benefits for the family. The things I’d prefer to do don’t provide enough income to replace the benefits and salary. I don’t see a way out of the daily grind, this trap.

I am so stuck on this question. How do I find an answer? What do I do? Like any good evolved being – whine, complain and cry. Not this time! Chakra Wisdom to the rescue. I will ask my chakras the question to get clear answers from different aspects of myself and my inner wisdom.

Great, now what is the question?  “How can I work less?” That answer is too easy – quit my job. It’s more complex than that. What does working give me that I don’t want to give up? Security. So the question is, “How can I feel more secure and work less?” But that could mean personally secure. “To trust in myself and all will be taken care of???” I’m not ready to give up the belief that some external security is needed. “Just trust myself,” doesn’t work for me. I still need money to feel secure. Okay, I will add a qualifier – “How can I feel more secure – financially and work less?” I understand it may mean I need to do less. I am a doer. Constantly filling every moment. Never enough time to do it all.

Lately, I notice I am often more stressed on my days off because I am trying to get so much done I get frazzled by the end of the day realizing I haven’t gotten to a lot of the stuff I want to do. As my work schedule has expanded into my free time the free time becomes more precious and I am less able to feel fulfilled.

Now that I have the question, I begin my Chakra Wisdom – while running. It is the time of the week when I can go for a run so I do both. I have found it is effective for me so long as I stay focused on the guided meditation. Sometimes that means replaying sections if I get distracted or stopping and writing down the answers so I don’t have to work to remember them.

Since I haven’t run in a while, tonight I was thinking of running all the way around the lake. It’s a big commitment once I start the eight mile journey. Sometimes I feel quite miserable by the time I stop. Other times I feel proud of accomplishing a big achievement. Yet, as I approach the choice point of possibly taking a shorter route I am faced with my dilemma, my question, “How to not work so hard?” The fear comes up that if I don’t commit to the longer distance, where I can’t take a short cut, I may fall short. Short? I find myself saying, “Sara, your problem is you push yourself too hard; not that you fall short.” I decide I need to listen to myself about not pressuring myself to work hard and take the shorter route. Also, with the knowledge that I can add on more loops if I feel like it as I go.

I ran, stopping and writing, dreaming about possibilities, running and asking the question in each chakra. The answers came to me. They included, to trust the universe to provide – and myself that I will provide in some way. I can let go of this being the only way. I am a worker and a doer. When I present myself to the world from a place of love and creativity I will be compensated. I have many skills that people are happy to receive. My efforts need to be redistributed to a direction of building myself rather than maintaining stability. Everything is possible. I have been holding myself back for some time so I can’t begin to imagine of what I am capable. I don’t need to know the details of – how – at this time. Through ongoing meditations, my energy work and building community, the path will become clearer.

In the end I ran farther than if I had gone around the lake. Imagine that! I let go of my fear, my pressure to achieve, and was open to possibilities. Being in the moment about what feels right and see what happens.

Margot Anand, the developer of SkyDancing Tantra writes:

“Tantra, once the cherished practice of Asian nobility, has often been called “The Yoga of Love”. Like other forms of yoga, the practice of Tantra offers peace of mind while it both relaxes and energizes the body. Tantra enables one to overcome feelings of separation and create a sense of union. Tantra relaxes the body, opens the heart and brings the mind into clear focus.  When this integration has taken place, you are ready for a new sexual experience in which physical pleasure becomes a delight of the heart and an ecstasy of the spirit. When practiced with a partner, Tantra contributes to healthy, loving relationships.

SkyDancing is the ancient metaphor for the ability to achieve ecstatic states. SkyDancing Tantra is the ability to integrate these ecstatic states into your sexuality, so that love can be experienced as a flow, a joyful celebration, a healing meditation. SkyDancing Tantra presents the Tantric paradigm through methods accessible to the Western culture and lifestyle. Margot Anand has integrated the ancient spirit of Tantra with the most recent discoveries in clinical sexology, as well as the therapeutic methods of humanistic and transpersonal psychology. Her teachings are powerful, healing and effective.

SkyDancing methods are inspired by ancient traditions of holistic sexuality: Tantric, Taoist, American Indian, among others. Margot’s teaching style distills these traditions into workshops and training more accessible to today’s generation. It is a blending of modern techniques of Bioenergetics, NLP, visualization and effective communication skills with sacred ritual, sexual magic, massage, meditation and other unique ways of working from the heart.

The path of High Sex, developed by Margot Anand, helps your body to be free of tensions, your heart to be trusting and open and your mind to develop such psychic skills as visualization, imagination and meditation which can enhance sexual loving.”

You can explore more about Margot Anand at: http://www.margotanand.com/